Each year on my daughter Emma's birthday, I try set aside some time to look at the pictures I have on my phone from the last twelve months and compose a brief letter to her that she can read at a later point in life if she chooses to do so. As a father, I am frequently celebrated for doing something that is so thoughtful and memorable for her to look back through the years, but I can assure you that I do this for myself as much as I do it for her. The process of re-visiting our year together through photos is a powerful reminder that the stories I tell myself inside my head that life is mostly chaos and challenges, are actually not true stories. The truth can be so healing if we take the time and put in the effort to allow it to reveal itself to us.
I tried with all my might to get this letter written and this post made over the weekend when Emma had her actual birthday, but trips to the aquarium on Saturday and to Grandma's on Sunday left me with little to no spare time or energy to complete the task. Par for the course, I am learning more and more that I need to be at peace with letting go of false deadlines. Getting to school and work on time are worth striving towards, but stressing myself out over exactly when I finish a piece of elective writing is a waste of my energy. Years from now, I suspect my words will have the same value whether they were written on Emma's actual birthday weekend or a few days later. In fact in many ways, waiting until I had the energetic space to create is probably better than squeezing something into a tighter window of time just to get it done.
So with that, I share with you my message to Emma (and to myself) on the momentous occasion of her sixth birthday. I hope you enjoy, and many thanks for your continued support for my writing and in life in general.
Dear Emma,
Today you are six, officially one third of the way to the unofficial marker of young adulthood at age 18. It’s hard to believe it in so many ways, and utterly believable in so many others. This morning when we sat in the front room just the two of us, as the sun was creeping higher into the sky and while much of the world was still sleeping, you asked me, “Daddy am I already six right now, or do I have to wait until later today to be real six years old?”
I love our early mornings together when it feels like we are the only two people on the entire planet. It reminds me of that first time I was alone with you on that very first night while your mommy was sleeping and I held you on my chest skin on skin to comfort you when you stirred in the middle of the night. I wanted to let your mommy sleep and I wanted to start to teach you things, but right away you taught me the first lesson you ever taught me. That lesson was that you already knew everything you would ever need to know about our Divine power as humans, because you just came from the God frequency only hours prior. I could literally feel Divine presence in every aspect of your little being, both on that first night and at every moment since.
I answered your question on this 6th birthday morning by saying “Technically, you will be six at 2:36 PM which is the exact time you were born six years ago, but it’s fine to just say you are six from the time you get up on the day of your birthday today.”
There are so many things that jump out at me as it relates to our early morning exchange this morning. The first thing is this: How in the world are we already having conversations like this when you are only six? These sorts of questions about the nature of time and the existential aspects of what is real and what is not real were topics I was incapable of even considering much about before being of college age. Your social intelligence and wisdom has been apparent from very early on, yet you continue to amaze me with your ability to process deep thoughts and remain curious about the answers to absolutely everything all at once. Some would label you an old soul. My thoughts are that there are no labels needed and none that would fit you or your soul. You are truly a one-in-a -trillion force of nature with so many special gifts. My dream is to help you learn to harness your extraordinary capabilities to do whatever it is you choose to do so that you can live a life of peace and purpose. Those are things that I am still trying to figure out myself, so maybe we can learn about it together.
It is that curiosity of yours that I just mentioned that continues to be one of my greatest teachers in life. I have always been a seeker, but I haven’t always done the best job of remaining curious as to all of the possibilities. Too often my expectations of what might happen along the path of life and/or my attachment to a particular outcome, have robbed me the opportunity to experience things I might have never even dreamed up which are even better than what I expected in the first place. You help me be more curious and for that I will always be grateful.
I pray that you never stop asking what is real and what is not real. In a world where it is all too easy to find external proof/support for everything anyone could ever believe no matter how unlikely or extreme those beliefs might seem, it is so important to follow your inner compass. If it’s real to you Emma, then that should be the only proof you ever need to know that it is real. To this day some people look at me suspiciously when I tell them that I talk to my dad every single day and I feel his presence in my life all the time, even though he hasn’t been in his body for 27 years. The man you call Grandpa Jim is as real to me in spirit as he ever was in his body when we could still have lunch together. I have asked him to stay close to me and he has never strayed too far. Please know that I will always be near you if you ask me to be, whether I am still in my body or not. Rest assured though, if you manage to somehow read this sooner rather than later since you are sneakily reading far beyond your years, I am not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. I chose to stay here two years ago because I had unfinished business to attend to, the most important of which is being your dad!
This has been a year of great challenges and great healing for me. I honestly think I have worked harder this year than any year in my life. That is another part of my unfinished business. The difference is that nowadays I am working on myself first and foremost so that I can be the best father, husband and friend that I have ever been. I promise to continue that work with the hopes that the model I show you in doing so, inspires you to never stop working on yourself, asking for help when needed and accepting that your best is your best even when you had hoped for something beyond. You are amazing to me and I urge you to believe the truth that you are good enough exactly the way you are no matter what anyone else might think.
Last night when I went into your room to kiss you goodnight one last time for the night, long after you fell asleep, I couldn’t help but notice how much you have grown. The mattress you are on has doubled as your crib mattress for a couple of years on one side and then as your little girl mattress on the other side ever since. Five years ago you were a tiny bundle in the middle of a sea of space. Now you stretch from end to end smothered in dozens of stuffies who you have loved so well through the years. It’s time for your big girl bed which we will shop for at some point in the next month. It’s hard for me to imagine that the next bed we buy you may be the one you sleep on all the way up until you are 18. The bed I had at age six was the same one I still had when I went to college. It wasn’t so hard leaving that bed behind, but truthfully, it was really sad to leave my stuffies behind when I went to college. I love how fiercely you love all things you feel connected to and I hope you continue to love as big as you do right now. And keep those stuffies with you for as long as you want to no matter what anyone else thinks or says to you about it!
The year ahead will likely be filled with big changes, much like the year we just completed. This past year watched you graduate from preschool, swim in a wave pool for the first time, put your dolls to bed each night and start kindergarten just to name a few of the amazing things you have learned and accomplished. With as much as you have learned, I still think it is me who is doing more of the learning. I’ve said it before and I will probably say it every year going forward: You are the master teacher I have waited a lifetime to meet. I love you more than words, which is saying something because I have never met a word I didn’t like and want to use in excess 😉
Happy birthday my dearest Emma. You inspire me every day. I’m the luckiest man alive. ❤️
Daddy
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