Demystifying the Phrase "Men's Work"

I am frequently amazed at how when I surrender my need to try to control time, that things unfold more organically in my life. Case in point. I started to write this piece titled Demystifying the Phrase Men's Work early last week. I wanted to send the piece out BEFORE I left for my four day men's weekend in Michigan in order to be sure that I gave the men on my list ample notice about the in person and online men's gatherings that were on my calendar in the upcoming weeks.

I pushed the issue right up until Thursday morning when I left, thinking that I had some obligation to send this email out by an artificial deadline that I had created in my own head. When I didn't finish the piece in time to send it out before I left, I even took my computer on the weekend thinking that somehow I might be able to steal a moment or two along the way to get it sent out while I was gone.

As it turns out there was no internet at the campsite we were staying at so even if I wanted to, I never would have been able to finish the piece. As it turns out, I realized that it's not only a piece for men on my list, but in truth, everyone can get something out of this piece so I am sending it out to everybody. As it turns out, this piece will be much different and even more powerful with what I learned about myself over this last weekend. So here I am, re-writing the piece I intended to write last week with a whole new energy and even more awareness about how important it is to continue to create spaces for men to heal and thrive, no matter what those spaces look like. 

I first became aware of the concept of men's work back in the mid 1990s when my yoga guru Gabriel Halpern would tell stories about his men's warrior weekends as he taught us yoga poses, breath work and life in general at the Yoga Circle in Chicago. I distinctly remember having a spark of curiosity AND a tremendous amount of fear. I never asked questions about the weekends back then. The truth is that being around men scared me. I always felt intimidated around men which is why many of my closest friends in life had always been women. I have always been in a relationship with a woman for nearly the entirety of my life since age 14 with the only exception being the summer of 1984 when I had a brief gap between girlfriends after my sophomore year of college. 

Part of me wishes that I had asked more questions back then and I wonder what might have happened if I took a brave chance and went on a weekend three decades ago. Since I can't go back and bend that time though, I am learning to accept that the work found me when I was ripe for it, at a much later stage in my hero's journey. I am grateful.

Fast forward to age 50 just under a decade ago. I was craving more male connection in my life after the death of my dear friend Richard. I was still too fearful to explore what it would look like to go off on a weekend with a bunch of men I hardly knew, so I did what I have done many other times in my life and I took control of the situation all by myself. I started my own men's group and called it the New Moon Men's Community. We met once a month for almost ten years and I made deeper connections with men who I met in my own circles of life and men that they invited into our circle as well.

Along the way as I became more curious, I started to read books about masculinity and men's work like King, Magician, Warrior, Lover: Rediscovering the the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. I studied stories and myths in the works of poet and storyteller Michael Meade. I dove into the study of the scared masculine in the works of Matthew Fox, author of The Hidden Spirituality of Men: Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine. 

What I had yet to do though, was find the courage to explore what other men's communities looked like. I still had an inner lack of trust of opening myself up to men that I didn't already know, even though in general I am a rather vulnerable person. A few years back I started to reconnect with my guru Gabriel for lunch or coffee once every few months. In one of those meetings I asked him about the men's work he used to talk about back in the days of the Yoga Circle in the 1990s. Gabriel deftly nudged me towards an organization called Path to Spirit Warrior. 

I went home from lunch that day and looked at the Path to Sprit website. The first thing I read at the top of the site was the phrase "We are spiritual beings having a human experience." That line is the exact same tag line my partner Deb Frischmon and I have used on the 30+ episodes of the It's About Life podcast we have published. The synchronicity was unmistakable. The Path to Spirit website also listed a phone number so I picked up my phone and dialed, thinking that I would get some sort of pre-recorded message. I was a bit startled when a man answered the phone with a simple hello. For the next hour I talked to an amazing man named Bill who helped me get signed up for my first warrior training weekend, nearly a full 30 years after I had first heard about them. The timing could not have been more ideal for me. 

Since that first warrior training weekend, I have completely immersed myself in men's work. I have made dozens if not hundreds of new connections with men that I never knew before and I have learned to trust the fact that there an an infinite number of safe, intentional, curious men out there already, and many more are awakening to their own inner calling every single day. I feel a tidal wave of emotion rise up inside me as I write these words when I think of the possibilities of healing that exist out there for those men who are brave enough to lean in and treat themself to the care and love that they have always so richly deserved. 

And that leads me to the actual phrase itself; men's work. At times, I feel that the phrase men's work can bring up images and expectations that have the possibility of building an energetic barrier between the communities in which the work is done and the men who may be getting that first wave of curiosity like I did 30 years ago. I watch the variety of reactions I get when I tell people that I am involved with a few different not for profit men's communities that hold meetings and weekends. Some men immediately say, "Tell me more!" Other men look at me as if they are painting a picture in their mind of a bunch of dudes sitting naked around a bonfire playing drums. Between those two ends of the spectrum, I have seen a multitude of other reactions as well. 

To me, the phrase men's work simply means, self work done by individuals who happen to be exploring the unique and individual common experiences we have as humans who identify as male. Most men in our modern western culture were never given the opportunity to go on a journey to their manhood that was facilitated by the elders and fire keepers of the community. There is a sacredness in going on a vision quest that celebrates the transition from boyhood to manhood. That sacred ritual has been a casualty of a society that prioritizes doingness and in many cases measures a man by the abundance of things which he possesses, instead of who is is on the inside or who he came here to be! The net result of it all, is a preponderance of men who run around life with a scared little boy stuck in exile inside them, much like I did for the last five decades. 

So when. it comes right down to it, men's work is simply the unfinished work of cultivating and nurturing the mature masculine in all of us who identify as male. It is a process that remains unfinished for me and it will probably never be finished in this lifetime, but it is a quest that is worthy of my effort and intention. I am so grateful that I summoned up the courage that was always there inside me, looked outside of the illusion of safety of my known world and asked for more help, guidance and mentorship. 

In addition to my work with Path to Spirit, over the last year I have had the immense privilege to be a part of a community called MenLiving. Men living hosts over 30 online and in person meetings per month. Our vision is to help create a world of healthy intentional men by creating spaces for men to connect, heal and thrive. I host a monthly in person meeting in Chicago's Lincoln Square neighborhood and our next gathering is this Saturday, March 16th at 9:30 AM. You can click on the link here for more information if you are a Chicago local and would like to join us. I also host a few online meetings each month. My April schedule will be available in the next week so stay tuned. 

The Greek root myst means to keep secret or hold behind a veil. As it turns out, there is really nothing that is held secret about what exists behind the curtain of the phrase men's work. It's really just THE WORK, done in a community of men who are there to help each other grow. When one pulls back the curtain and takes a curious peek, they might just find what they have been looking for all along, even if they didn't even know they were looking for it. If you or somebody you know is ripe for the call or the time feels right, I invite you to ask me a few questions. I will happily help pull the veil back further. 

Well that's all for this week. Peace and blessings to you all, 

Jim