How I Saved My Own Life - 18 Months Sober

Yesterday I celebrated my eighteen month anniversary of living life as a sober person. The day passed without fanfare, much like a half birthday would for someone in the middle stages of their life. While my daughter Emma proudly declares that she is 5 and a half, to my recollection I have yet to see a Facebook post announcing that somebody had just turned 44 and a half. That being said, I can't help but take note of what a significant accomplishment the last half year of sobriety has been for me.

Many people have noted that the second year of sobriety can be harder than the first. The jury is still out for me on that matter, but I can attest that some of my strongest urges to have a glass or two of wine have happened over the last few months. It's interesting because my strongest urges don't necessarily come when I'm wound up and feel like I need a drink to help me cope. They come when I am enjoying a life moment that is so intrinsically tied to alcohol that the moment almost seems incomplete without it, for example: 

~ A warm spring night on our back deck watching the sunset called out for a glass of delicious French Rose.
~ A Sunday brunch date at Hub 51 with my wife Christiana was crying for a sweet and tangy mimosa or two.
~ Lunch sitting at the bar front at Gideon Welles Irish Pub on St. Patrick's Day without a pint of Guinness? I'm almost surprised my Irish/American heritage card wasn't revoked! 

Have no fear, I am fully entrenched in my sobriety. It is the single greatest decision I have made for myself in my adult lifetime. The benefits of living my life alcohol free after nearly 40 years of drinking are immeasurable. In fact in many ways, I feel like my decision eighteen months ago to take a sabbatical from wine and spirits actually saved my life.

It's not as if I drank on a daily basis to a state of debauchery or blackout. Through the years I did a dance with alcohol where at times my consumption levels were more moderate and at other times they were a bit more unbridled. Regardless of how much I imbibed at any given point in time, I was always able to show up in life and achieve at a high level. What I can say though, is that eighteen months ago after a year and a half of living in a world that had changed so drastically during the Covid pandemic, I became powerfully aware that my sometimes healthy, sometimes unhealthy relationship with wine and spirits had tilted a bit too much in the unhealthy direction again.

The time had come for me to do a bit of a litmus test or reality check. I will never be sure exactly how or why I chose the week before Thanksgiving as my launching point for my reality check. I guess a part of me figured that if I could get through the holidays without drinking that the rest of the year would be easy breezy. I was wrong. It would never actually be easy breezy. 

At the time I had no idea that I was on a path to sobriety. In fact if I had entered into my litmus test/reality check period with permanent sobriety as the targeted goal, I doubt seriously that I would have been able to learn to live as a sober person for the last year and a half as well as I have. Forever is a really long time and giving up something permanently can be a daunting task to anyone who is trying to modify any life pattern. Make no mistake << Test First Name >>, separating myself from wine was equal in many ways to an energetic divorce. Giving up something you love, even when you know it is the decision that will serve you best, can be the catalyst for immense grief. Wine in many ways had become my life partner, my best friend and the one thing that would never turn it's back on me. For others that thing may be food, or television, or sex or even their cell phone, but the idea of NEVER doing it again is daunting. 

Like many people who choose to drink an a frequent basis, words like sobriety and alcoholic were very triggering to me: they were words that created fear. Over time I have come to learn that like most words that are used to label people, the words sobriety and alcoholic are only energetically charged if you allow those words to be disempowering or to create shame. For me, sobriety seemed to fit best when I got to try it on for size a for a while before I actually bought it. Over time as I gained more clarity about the nature of my relationship with wine, it became clear to me that the life change I was experimenting with needed to be considered more long term than short term. And so here I am at the 18 month mark having walked the path of sobriety far more seamlessly than I ever could have imagined. 

I could write an entire thesis about the things that I have learned about myself and about the nature of reality in my eighteen months of living life as a sober person. Maybe someday I will actually do that , but in honor of this milepost, I thought I would share just a handful of my key discoveries. Some of life's discoveries are welcome and others arrive regardless of whether or not they are invited. Either way, they become an indelible part of the story:

1. Sobriety forced me to relearn what it means to have fun. It's unfathomable how deeply ingrained alcohol culture is in our modern western society. We drink when we are challenged. We drink as a reward. We drink to celebrate. Nearly everything I considered to be fun in life was in some way tethered to alcohol. I'm just starting to learn how to have fun without alcohol. I think the best is yet to come. 
2. Sugar is my number one addiction. I've taken breaks from drinking before, but almost always as a part of a dietary cleanse or a Lenten sacrifice where I also gave up sweets and treats. This time around with no limitations on ice cream or cookies, my body found ways to surrogate the sugar I would have otherwise gotten in wine. When I tried to give up ice cream a few months into my sobriety it was even harder to do than giving up the wine. After a year and a half I have finally reached a healthy balance. 
3. Mental Clarity is harrowing. One of the primary reasons I was excited to try a long term sabbatical from wine was to enjoy greater mental clarity for my spiritual practices. Let's just put this one in the "be careful what you wish for" category. I'm still unveiling parts of my shadow self that had been safely tucked away for decades. The process has been at times overwhelming, but all for a good cause.
4. Salt Water is an elixir in all forms. From the very beginning of my journey with sobriety, I started taking an epsom salt bath every night. I've always enjoyed baths, but the now they are an absolute requirement. For the first year at least, knowing that I had a warm salt bath at the end of my day was the one thing that got me through the toughest times when I couldn't use my lifelong coping mechanism instead. And by the way, when it comes to salt water, a good sweat or a few tears never hurt matters either. 
5. I need a new reward. I used to say that there were four primary motivators that would lead me to drink: habit, coping mechanism, ritual and celebration. The last two can be part of a healthy relationship with alcohol if they are regulated, but the first most certainly are not so healthy. In my sobriety, I ultimately I unveiled a fifth reason I drank which is even more powerful for me and that reason is as a reward. For decades I would push myself to extremes at work, at the dojo, on the yoga mat and in life in general knowing that I had a nice glass of wine (or two or six) at the end of my day even if it was a 16 hour day. Without that reward, I struggle to figure out what my motivators are and that has been the most challenging adjustment for me without question. 

I could continue with this list until I had one for each month of my sobriety, but for now I will leave you with those five key discoveries. I am entering a new stage of the journey where I not only acknowledge how much I love myself for making the decision to choose sobriety, but I also love every former version of myself without condition. That has taken some deep soul searching and it is SO worth the effort! 

Thanks for talking a few minutes to read this and celebrate with me. I send love and blessings to all of you as you take stock of your own lives and decide which relationships are healthy and which need further examination. As always, if there is any way I can be of service, please reach out and let me know. Until next time. 

Jim