On Fatherhood - Father's Day Post 2023

You probably noticed that this past Sunday was Father’s Day. Fatherhood is such a dynamic topic that can touch so many emotions for both men and women. I can understand why for many people, Father’s Day can be challenging.

There are very few people I know who don’t carry some level of pain and/or trauma as it relates to fatherhood. For some people that pain is rooted in their relationship, or lack of relationship with their own biological fathers or father figures. Many men have struggled with the immense challenges of becoming and then filling the role of father, thus they wind up with strained relationships with their own children. Even people who have what they would describe as mostly healthy relationships with their own father or children, often have underlying unmet needs which leave them longing for something more than they have currently experienced as it relates to male support and guidance. 

On a case by case basis, it can be tempting to point fingers at men around the world, label them as deadbeat dads and assign the blame entirely to their individual shortcomings. I hear people say things like:

"He was emotionally unavailable and was never truly there for me when I needed him..."

"He was a selfish jerk who always placed his own needs ahead of our family’s needs..."

"He was mean and abusive, especially when he drank..."

On the flip side, I’ve heard, exasperated fathers who are at their wits end say things like:

"No matter how hard I try, nobody appreciates what I do..."

"My kids are demanding and ungrateful..."

"Nobody ever listens to me anyways so why should I even try..." 

In my mind, the magnitude of fatherhood issues are much larger than any one individual person or one unique set of circumstances. The way I see it, nearly all of the issues that people have as it relates to fatherhood can be traced back to the fact that over the last couple of centuries in particular, we have lost focus on teaching men how to understand what it means to grow into and embody the mature masculine - or as I sometimes call it - embrace The Father Frequency.

Last Friday afternoon while I was working at my office, I took notice of a sign my mother bought for me when my daughter Emma was born five years ago. The sign says:

Father 

[fa-ther] noun 

A protector, teacher and encourager. Picks you up when you fall, brushes you off and lets you try again. 

See also: hero, coach 

The mere fact that I possess this sign and that it was given to me by my mother is an indication of what a tremendous advantage I have had being raised by two loving parents who were emotionally involved in my life in every way. When I read the sign this past Friday, it got me thinking a bit further about what other traits an ideal father would embody. As I thought about it, I quickly came up with a list of a dozen things that a good father should strive to be:

~ Patient
~ Providing
~ Kind
~ Informative (Teacher)
~ Honest 
~ Dependable 
~ Compassionate
~ Trustworthy
~ Dedicated 
~ Calm 
~ Available (Attentive listener)
~ Curious (Student of Life - willing to always work on himself) 

The list could continue on indefinitely, but suffice it to say that these dozen attributes already make for an impressive list of skills and it makes me wonder where in the world a man is supposed to invest his time and energy to learn and refine all of these traits. Is there some sort of modern day fatherhood school that one can attend to earn a certification in parenting in general and fatherhood in specific? 

The answer is a resounding no! Yes there are magazines, podcasts and programs. Yes there are men’s groups and support circles, but the truth is that most men are not automatically drawn to go into spaces that invite them to be vulnerable and talk about their feelings no matter how much they may actually WANT to do those exact things! 

In reality, when it comes to fatherhood, most men have to rely on the advice of friends and family members along with their own intuition and an occasional Google search to figure the path through the battlefield of fatherhood on a day to day basis. 

On Father’s Day, I received numerous good wishes, many of which were accompanied by compliments about what a great example I set of what it means to be a father. I’m always grateful for the acknowledgement, yet at the same time I have to admit that none of my apparent success as a father has happened by any accident. I think there are three primary reasons why people look to me as a good example of what it means to be a father:

1. I have had extraordinary teachers. My father, both of my grandfathers, senseis, yogis, elders, other fathers and so many great men have shared their wisdom with me by the examples they have set and the concepts they have taught. 
2. I have worked really fucking hard at it! It doesn’t matter how many good teachers appear in somebody’s lifetime, it takes a curious and willing student for learning to take root and life skills to mature. I think the single most important thing a man can do to be a better father, husband or human is to be willing to do the excruciating work of self-exploration. 
3. The fatherhood bar in general has been set exceedingly low. It actually makes me sad that by simply being present in my daughter's life, cooking food and changing diapers that I am somehow elevated to Super Dad status. I realize I do a good bit more than just those things, but in reality it doesn’t take much to be considered above average as a father.

I’d like to add a caveat here to acknowledge that I see SO many fantastic fathers in my circle of life these days. This is not a “The Sky is Falling” post as much as it is a calling for there to be more compassion for men who have struggled and more support for them to be at peace with and work through those struggles.

I’ve spent the better part of three decades working on myself in ways that have had both direct and indirect effects on my fatherhood skills. Physical disciplines like martial arts and yoga, spiritual adventures, therapy, self-help programs and many other practices have been a part of my journey through the years. That being said, nothing prepared me better to be a father than the experience of holding my daughter Emma in my arms for the first time. I knew the minute I looked at her that my life would never be the same and that I needed to be willing to reexamine every aspect of myself to be prepared for the path ahead. If you have yet to hear the story of that first night in the hospital, stay tuned and you will get your opportunity sooner rather than later.

I recently relaunched the men's community I started back in 2014. We held our first gathering under our new name, The Water of Life Men's Community, two weeks ago and our next on line meeting will be next Tuesday, June 27th at 6:30 p.m. central. All are who identify as male are welcome. You can link to my website for additional details. I'm currently in the process of laying the groundwork to establish a not for profit organization so I can expand this work for men and make it accessible to as many people as possible. 

I'm excited to continue on with The It's About Life podcast with my awesome teaching partner and co-host Deb Frischmon. In addition, I am preparing for the launch of a second podcast geared specifically to men's topics. The current working title for my new podcast is Spiritual Fatherhood with Jim Herbert. I will cover topics such as male mentorship, fatherhood, cultivating the mature masculine and many other things that I have learned from the exceptional teachers I have had the privilege to study under. In the pilot episode, I'll share the story of what Emma taught me on that very first night. 

In my mind, every single one of us regardless of age can benefit from a sense of loving, unconditional support that is always available to us when we tap into The Universal Father Frequency and the concept of Spiritual Fatherhood. Stay tuned for a longer explanation and more details. I'm so excited about this evolving and expanding branch of my work. Since the new podcast is a work in progress, I'd love to hear your thoughts about the name in specific or the idea in general. Shoot me a reply email, text or maybe even give me a call! 

Well that's all for this week. Thanks for taking the time to read this weekly reflection. Love and blessings to you all, 

Jim